Dear Apey,
For our upcoming vacation, my partner wants to take a trip to The San Diego Zoo. Having never been there, I'm concerned about our safety. I've heard that visiting gorillas may be put in cages. Is this a valid concern? How can I convince my partner to travel to the peaceful plains of Iowa instead? - Sleepless in the Forest

Dear Sleepless, First off, let me tell you that I'm glad you're considering your safety. In this day and age, too many gorillas rumble about with their heads in the leaves, never stopping to consider what they should and shouldn't do.

Anyway, I would be up front with your partner. Consider compromises: could you go to San Diego, but not to the zoo? Would wearing giraffe costumes to the zoo make you more comfortable? Why not visit an aquarium instead? Best of luck, SITF. And be sure to let us all know how your vacation turns out.

Dear Apey, I am very concerned about my 16 year-old daughter. She has begun hanging out with a group of troublemaking apes. They play a ludicrous game called 'chicken,' which involves two apes hopping on vines and swinging directly towards one another. Also, I am quite sure that they smoke banana peels. How can I smarten her up without seeming like 'Mean Mama Ape'?
- Stumped

Dear Stumped,

As any parent can attest, adolescent apes are not easy to deal with. And the more you try to help them, the more they seem to rebel. I would be completely honest with your daughter. Tell her that you are concerned about her gang of friends. Ask her to question why she spends time with them. Let her know that you are her friend. Spend time with her. (Hint: Teenage apes love banana splits.)